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But looking forward is a completely different thing; the long term is an overwhelming idea.

I've always been big on having a plan and knowing what the bigger picture is. That has often made me a victim of carrying expectations which are too heavy for my own shoulders. When I think about things that I've planned and how they've turned out, I can conclude that almost nothing has ever worked out the way I planned it. 2010 has been a testament to that.

My first year in university was supposed to be an exciting new beginning in London: meeting new people, getting gigs, being actively involved in things. Instead, I spent the year having little motivation for anything except maybe gym sessions. I was detached from the vast social opportunities in the LSE, and even more so from my education. And then summer came. I planned to get some working experience, but that didn't work out either; instead, I spent my summer travelling and mentally getting myself out of the hole I had dug for myself in the first year.

Halfway out of that hole, I decided that a corporate internship may not be what I want for summer next year. I made up my mind to intern with Grameen Bank in Bangladesh next summer, only to realise a couple of months ago that while I had thought of everything else, I'd forgotten to consider the flight costs: I could not afford it, having spent a lot of my savings on the travels during summer. It was another blow, but fiscal responsibility is a part of my long-term goals. So I had to exercise the discipline to say no, and keep a more open open mind about opportunities that I had otherwise put out of my mind.

The icing on the cake, of course, is that, due to all the last minute hiccups, I might just end up being unemployed for yet another summer! But you never know, really, given the way my plans have (not) been working out.

Ergo, I reiterate, the long term is an overwhelming idea. Some things about me don't change; as 2011 begins, I find myself engaging in a familiar exercise. However, at the same time, so much seems so different. Looking for some sense of order amidst the big mess was, for the most part of my previous years, akin to trying to peer into the future through a massive pile of indiscernible tea leaves. Today they appear more unique. Arranged, even, albeit in a less meticulous and methodical fashion. But at all times, they exude the organic, natural richness of a sturdy, growing tree - each leaf, root and twig a distinct piece of the greater puzzle that is the future.

Maturity. Self-development. Growth. Perhaps it is this that I am going through; but I am sure there is much more to be learned, of course. As I came home to my small hometown of Batu Pahat, most of the things I knew were still there, unchanged despite having been away for almost one and a half years. I recalled a conversation with a friend, who in the midst of voicing his lack of intention to return to Malaysia, had said: "So much has changed; yet so much is still the same." I recalled this because when I returned home this winter, I felt the complete opposite way. So much was still the same, yet I saw a lot of things so differently.

In a way, I was almost grateful for the lack of change, because the time I had been away was used to be able to appreciate the greater depth that existed in my surroundings which I had previously taken for granted. Sometimes I feel that there are so many exogenous changes to our world and it compels us to exert incredible efforts at coping with it. It is almost a superficial effort, for it makes us forget to look within, to grow internally.

I welcome the new year not with excitement, but with a quiet and nervous anticipation. Experience, whatever little I have of it, has taught me that there is only so much that you can plan for. The important thing is your principles, your goals and your dreams. On a personal level, I've never felt clearer on those three things - that is not to say I have lent my current views and aspirations total legitimacy, only that my belief that they are legitimate has grown tremendously.

I feel confident enough to allow them to take root as the foundations upon which I will attempt to design my future. I have no idea ultimately what it will look like, and whether it will live up to my ideals. But I'm okay with that. That, I think, is one of the biggest things I truly learned and internalized last year, that a little perspective goes a long way. You can plan all you want, but in the end, that is the one thing you truly have control of - and it changes everything.