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There's something inexplicably heavy about growing older. As children, it's common to want to quickly be done with our childhood, for it is the older who have the luxury of exercising what we see as our natural right of greater freedom, of greater control of our own lives. And as we grow older, we are slowly granted that right, only to finally and sometimes painfully understand that while that right doesn't necessarily have to be earned, its exercise requires us to shoulder the great weight of responsibility.

I turned 21 on the 4th of September earlier this month. It was a very uneventful day - most of my friends still weren't back in London yet, and my friend and housemate had fallen ver ill. Consequently, in lieu of celebration, I had to take care of him and do some household chores! So it didn't really hit me then that I had completed one of the unofficial rites of passage of growing up; I was now legally an adult. I'm not really sure what that means, but I was reminded of part of what I think it does mean last night when I met up with a good friend from college.

I need to briefly introduce her here. Meet Tian Huey, the school captain (or head girl, if you like, I just think the former sounds a lot cooler haha) in KTJ for my year and future Cambridge graduate (first class, I would bet!). TTH (one of the many abbreviations we use to call her) is a peculiar character, but in a good way - it's very hard to put a label on her and she's always been full of surprises. Apart from her tendency to burst out into a slew of lame and sometimes awkward jokes, there is a comfortingly moderate and objective air about the way she carries herself, and there were more than a few instances during my less happy times in KTJ when having her to talk to did a lot to help me gain some perspective.

The last time I met her was last year before I left for the UK, so there was a lot of catching up to do when we met up last night. Among the many random things we talked about, she started to recount stories about how I apparently used to be, and how I projected myself when I first went to KTJ.

I've been told before that on first impression, I (used to) reek of the stench of arrogance, ruthless competitiveness and intimidation. I don't think I've ever truly understood that until last night when she recounted some examples of the things I had said, things I have clearly forgotten. It was quite embarrassing to know that I had used to say those things and for awhile, I thought that I must have been a really terrible person. If I had said such unpleasant things to such a nice person like TTH, I must have unknowingly uttered and done some pretty cruel things to others as well throughout my college life.

And so now I'm 21 years old. I feel like a new phase of my life is starting very soon. The summer is pretty much over now in London, and as I look back on how I spent it, I don't think I have that many regrets, really. It didn't turn out in any way that I had planned it. Before summer started, I had this idea that I might be interning somewhere, gaining 'work experience' and meeting more people. None of those ideas translated into reality. Instead, I ended up unemployed, gained experience in housework and spent most of my time on my own, and the rest with people I already know.

When I ask friends and acquaintances who did the things I was planning to do, most of them either hated it, said it was boring, or unenthusiastically said it was alright and then, almost defensively, add that it was a 'good learning experience'. It doesn't sound exactly like the green stuff that envy is made of. But then again, perhaps this is me giving myself excuses not to regret my decision not to go back to Malaysia.

All said and done, I think I've had a fruitful summer. I did some reading, spent time alone to do some soul-searching, wrote and travelled to quite a few places (Venice, Milan, Oxford, Istanbul and recently Bath). None of these add anything to my CV or my social network, but on a deeper, personal level, I think I've discovered a few things about myself that I otherwise wouldn't have.

So maybe this summer of quiet solitude was the perfect build-up for my 21st birthday, for being 21 means you're moving on to a new stage in your life. And that's about getting a deeper understanding of who you are, of what moves and inspires you, what makes you smile and what leaves you vulnerable. It is being able to see beyond the flesh to see the ugly flaws and yet feel completely comfortable in your own skin, because you know the story behind each scar.

And in knowing yourself and who you have become, you feel a freedom much more superior to the one that you had wished for as a child, because you realise that there really is so much life left to be lived.

Happy 21st birthday to me. :)